Untitled by Devon from Florida
i was in the fifth grade staring into the mirror. typical day. mom did my hair because i didn’t have the technical skills to do my own hair, unlike my younger sister that had been doing intricate braids since the first grade. i had two hairs sticking out of my french braid that were probably there everyday, but for today they irritated the shit out of me. so i stared. and then i pulled them out. the fifth grade can be a stressful year, first boyfriends, fitting in, moving on to middle school. i found that pulling out those two hairs relieved all the anxiety a fragile fifth grader could feel. i went to school. the next morning i repeated the ritual, feeling perfect, not a hair out of place. and the next. and the next. the cycle continued into my next year of school. i started at a new school. a catholic school. i developed my first bald spot. people noticed it and called me “baldy”. i enjoyed recess by myself. my parents began to notice, and i had my own personal narc!
in the class that would tell my mom of my hair pulling adventures. tell her how many times my hand went to my scalp. how many hairs would fall under my desk. periodic scalp checks for the tiny red marks tattling for something i didn’t even know i had. then on day, sure as sh**, i believe on Oprah, they discussed trichotillomania. “devon, I think you have a problem” and ” i don’t know what you are talking about.” there were not enough headbands, scarves or bandanas to cover the spots i was developing. it was my dirty secret. i am 31 soon, and my urge to pull has never weakened. i have tried many things to distract me….drugs, alcohol, self mutilation, bulimia, common among people like us with this disease. i will tell you the urge has lessoned with psychotherapy, anti-depressants and stable relationships. Stress has seemed to be my trigger, be it finals, money, cheating husbands. But i have found that i can be stronger than the disease. I have learned to keep my hands busy,!
and to change up my hairstyle, so i don’t want to pull. i have my good days and my bad, but i have my daughter to look after, and i know i can beat trich for her.
Add comment April 14th, 2009
