My Secret Life- stories about living with Trich

My Secret Compulsion by Emma, 29 from New Jersey

April 10th, 2009

My compulsion with pulling began when I was eight years old while I was watching a movie with my cousin. I remember telling her to try it, because it felt good. When I saw the very large bald spot on the back of my head, I was horrified and didn’t understand how I could have done that to myself. Of course when our parents noticed my large spot and my cousin’s small patch of hair missing, there was a mild uproar of “Why did you do that?!” Later is was brushed off and forgotten, but every so often someone would mention it in a family crowd, “Remember when you tried to pull all of your hair out?” Which always made me want to crawl under a rock and die, because I was embarrassed and ashamed of my guilty pleasure.
I continued to pull my hair out in secret and I would do it mindlessly until I would notice a large pile of hair on the carpet, so I would try to hide it under the sofa or spread out the damage by dropping my hair in different places or flushing the evidence down the toilet. I would strategically try to brush my hair to the side or hold my hand over the spot on the top of my head so people wouldn’t notice.
In the fifth grade, I remember mindlessly pulling my hair out while I was bored in class and how horrified I was to look down at my dark hair I left on the white floor.
Frantically, I tried to push it under the desk in front of me. For the most part no one noticed, but one time someone sitting next to me saw the hair ball on the floor and made a scene squealing “EEWW, GROSS”. So to draw attention away from myself, I joined in with my own comments. I was petrified that someone might find out what I was doing and think I was a freak, because I had no idea what was wrong with me or why I was doing that to myself.
I think around the same time, my mom caught sight of my bald spot and went slightly nuts drawing attention to me and then proceeding to show other people in my family to “take a look at this”. My mom wasn’t trying to embarrass me or make me feel like a freak, but since I was a terribly shy and self-conscious child, mortification didn’t even cover how i felt at that moment.
To make matters worse, when she asked me what happened, I couldn’t bring myself to confess what I had been doing, so I said I didn’t know. Well that brought me
to see a dermatologist who took scrapings of my scalp, because he thought it might be a fungus-little did he know. So after nothing came up from his little test, I remember him whispering to my mom that he thought I was pulling my hair out. While this was an old geezer of a doctor, it was 1990 and you would think that he would be able to mention to my mom that he suspected I was suffering from Trichotillomania. Which, by the way I wasn’t able to put a name to what I had until I read
a magazine article about it.
All the while these things were taking place, I remembered dreading getting my hair cut, because it never failed that the person cutting my hair would freak out about my bald spots and either point it out to a fellow stylist to come look at or make a scene of it. So I figured out how to cut my own hair, or I would go to a different salon every time and lie to the person cutting my hair that a medication I took made it fall out.
To hide my bald spots when they would get bad, I would always wear my hair up in a bun and use a lot of barrettes. But, there were times that my hair would grown back enough to wear down or the bald spot was only small, but I would constantly run my hands through my hair to check that it was covered. Swimming was a nightmare when I was going through a pulling phase.
There were times that I would stop for a long time-even a year, but I would start up again when I was upset or stressed out.
And I would be so angry at myself, which would only make me pull more hair out. My husband still doesn’t know that I pull my hair out. I told my mom casually that pulled my hair and she was very supportive about it. I actually went 5 years without pulling my hair, because I was at a point in my life where I was very busy, but not stressed out and I felt good about myself. Stopping the pulling can be done, but it still is an ongoing battle because I unfortunately started pulling again after my grandmother passed away and I was stressed out about getting into medical school. For now I have stopped and I’m keeping it that way, because I’d like to get my hair cut soon (and I love getting my hair cut and styled-when I have hair to work with).
Finding Charlene Blacer was a lifesaver, since one of the stylists that works with her was able to cut my hair for me and I didn’t have to lie about the bald spots-it was a relief.
My motivation for not pulling my hair is to be able to get my hair cut regularly. The added consistent motivation is to keep my hair on my head so that I can go to my favorite hair stylist back in my hometown to get my hair cut-since she’s an artist with my hair and always cuts it perfectly. And I enjoy trying new hairstyles and wearing my hair down-it gives me confidence & a boost of self esteem.
Other tricks haven’t really worked for me & I’ve never been on medication for my compulsion, because sadly most medical professionals don’t have a clue, lack any empathy for the compulsion, and come off as callous or make you feel like you’re not trying hard enough to stop. Depending on what medical field I go into, I will try to change that regardless and give people the courage and the motivation to quit or to manage the hair pulling so that it doesn’t get out of control. We have to find out what causes us to pull our hair out, and try to be conscious of when we start pulling so that we can either limit our pulling to 3 hairs a day, or find a motivation to do something we really enjoy but hold ourselves back from because we don’t want people to see our bald spots or mostly bald heads. We can set goals for ourselves and reward ourselves for not pulling. Once we reach that goal and we get to a comfortable regrowth of our hair, we keep doing the things that we weren’t able to enjoy before to establish a consistent reward and reinforce not pulling our hair. There may be setbacks from time to time, but if you could stop before, then you can stop again. It is possible and it is important to understand that we can’t punish ourselves for this compulsion, but we can heal
ourselves and make positive efforts to overcome it.
I wish everyone out there that suffers from trich the absolute best and I hope that my story is one that someone can find comfort in and know that they are not alone and that is possible to start healing and stop pulling.

Entry Filed under: You can stop again- Emma 29